Words from our dearest friends....The Buchmann's~

I have put this here in honor and memory of Carsyn. A child that died too young from hlhs. These are words from her mother.... very sad and also very true...

I feel like I've joined a club...not just any club. In this club, none of the members have asked to join. One day, they just force you to be in it. You don't get to choose...To be in the club, you have to pay an incredible price...a piece of your heart, a part of your spirit, and you have to give up a life you have always known. Once you are in the club, you never get to leave. We watch from inside the "fences" at other peoples lives and wonder if they will ever have to be in the club, or if they realize how lucky they are that they aren't in this club. You wonder if they know if this club exists...You push against the fences trying to get out, wanting so badly to be back on the other side- out of the club...sometimes I want to scream to please let me out of this club, please stop the fence from crushing against me. Please let me go back to getting pregnant with Carsyn... what could I have done differently? Then I realize, that this was not my choice, it was God's will. He wanted me in the club. I don't know why, I don't know why he would want anyone in the club...to be in this club, you have to give up your child...not as willingly as God did in giving up his only son so that we could live on in eternity, but you have to say good-bye...you have to feel their last breath this side of heaven...you have to memorize every inch of their face, hands, and body in the short moments you have left with them knowing you will not see them again until you meet in Heaven one day.


This club has some amazing people in it. People that do not in any way deserve to be put through what you are put through when you "join the club". We are blessed by their friendships, understanding, and points of view.

We continue to walk through life knowing many people who know they could be the next members of this terrible club. That is just not right. Parents should be able to sleep at night and not worry if their child will be breathing when they go check on them.

We know many people who have learned from "our membership" who now hold their children that much tighter. An hour at the park now comes before dishes, or laundry, or dinner...

Valuable lessons learned from a club that has no perks, no benefits...just a chain link fence that holds you inside. Allowing you to see the life you used to have. You can stick your arms through it and reach for what want to try and grab from your previous life, but only a few small things fit through the holes to get back through the fence. It really is nothing more than a symbol of your life from here on out. Parts of your life are held together, just like the links of chain that the fence is made of, but there are now many, many holes.

1 year and 1 month ago tomorrow, Carsyn joined us on this earth for her short journey. Never in a million years did I think we would be in the club we are now...I still can't wrap my head around the fact that children and babies die. I am going to pull as many pieces of our life inside those fence holes...fact is Carsyn made the life we had before better...she made me a better person, mom, and wife. She made me more compassionate to other peoples stories, and she makes me want to make a difference. If I don't pull parts of our old life through, I will forget how she has changed me. I am so grateful to her for the impact she has made on me, and so many others.

Honestly, I hate being in this club...but there is no way out, and I need to make the most of this membership. I need to make a difference to honor Carsyn. Knowing her and being blessed to be her mom is why this membership is worth it. For my life is better knowing her for the short time I did, than not at all...



Michelle